TO THE FRIEND I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER LOSE

Monday, March 26, 2018


Dear you,
you know who you are. If you've stumbled upon this page, it means you still care. Maybe not about me but how my life is still going forward even though you're not in it anymore. Whether you're here on purpose or you found me on the Internet after all this time, this is for you.



I will start by saying you were my best friend. I did everything for you and with you and even though we've come to the point where we don't share a laugh or a dream or we don't spend a day with each other, I regret nothing. 

You see, the thought of knowing I had someone by my side, someone who would be there for me and with me made me sleep better at night and made me feel less lonely.
I still know all the tunes we used to sing in the car by heart and I can't promise you I don't tear up every time I hear them randomly on the radio. They all taste like long gone summers and inside jokes.



Do you remember how obsessed I was with taking pictures of everything we did? Everywhere we went? Our faces smiling at the camera while in the air the smell of iced peach tea was floating all around us.




It was your birthday and we decided to skip school the next day and stay in that little house in the countryside singing songs and eating ice-cream and biscuits and drinking prosecco. I remember everyone was asleep next to me except for the two of us who kept looking at the sky, our eyes to the moon while we kept scrolling through all the pictures we took that night and all those nights before. All those pictures I have now stored away. Out of sight.




I still remember waking up early, one summer, because we had to watch a re-run of Gilmore Girls and commenting it while Rory was cheating on Dean and Suki was baking those cakes we wished we had for breakfast and Lorelai was just being Lorelai, talking as fast as she could and we had to catch up with her. Every time I watch it, alone, my hands reach for my phone and start writing funny remarks only to realise I don't have a number to send them to.

You would think I miss you. Well, I kinda do. Kinda don't. The fact is, I know you all thought I was strong and that nothing would ever break me but the truth is, you were all so wrong. Because you did. That day when you hung up on me and the moment later when you decided to delete me from your life, that moment you broke me. And I hated you.
I hated you because you didn't understand, you didn't want to. I hated you because you decided it was best for you to cut me out because I wasn't worth your time anymore (or anyone else's) I wasn't worth your friendship. For hours after that and days, I hated you so much, the only sound of your name was like poison in my mouth. 
But then something happened, something snapped inside me, inside my brain and in all the places inside my body where you had been while I cried in my mother's arms, I realised how perfectly functional I was without you. How my heart kept beating, loud and full of life, how my legs took me places even without your presence and my eyes weren't blind when I realised I could still look at the stars with the same wonder as I did when I was with you.
I was so full of you that I thought I couldn't be happy anymore if I didn't make you happy. And how fucked up that thought was. I was so caught up in you that in those years I completely lose track of me, I was not existent, I totally forgot about me. And you did too.
It was all about you, your desires, your struggles, your problems and never about me, my struggles, my problems. That time I was falling in love with that guy? Do you remember that? How destroyed I was, how sad. And that time when I was struggling with food? Do you remember that? How I used to drink without any trace of food in my stomach because you all thought I was fat even though you didn't have the courage to speak your mind but your eyes told me enough every time you all looked at me? That my legs were straight but not thin enough. 
That day, after my tears dried on my cheeks, I decided it was better that way. I was better that way.



I'm not saying I regret being your friend, or that I never think of you. 

What I'm saying is that after that day, I felt relieved. I started writing and I started doing the things I loved and I started thinking about me and doing things for me and it felt good.
I realised how the friendship we shared was more about you than about us and that it wasn't supposed to be that way. I realised how much I'm worth loving, even if it's just by myself and how truly important my life is even if I'm alone.



I'm not writing this to harm you. I don't even hate you anymore but I don't love you either. I'm glad I had you, I'm so glad I had to spend those days with you because they were the most beautiful days and I will keep them in my heart. And that is a promise.




Sometimes I can even look at those pictures and smile, thinking about those moments and knowing that you too, sometimes do the same.

I really hope you're good, I hope you're having a great life and are still fighting for what you want because I, for once, am doing the same. For me.



Sincerely,

M.

2 comments

  1. Aw this is so sad...and really hits home because I've lost a ton of friends for reasons that don't make sense and it is like this huge gaping hole but then sometimes you realise it was better later?? But it's still so so hard. *sends quiet cake* 😔😔

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    1. You know, it happened twice to me and each time it wasn't easy, actually, it felt like excruciating pain right in the middle of my chest because you invest all your own persona in a friendship and then when it ends you just have to learn how to live without it and it sucks. But then sometimes you almost feel like you're free, because you learn to see it how it was and from the outside maybe that same friendship you thought was everything, it somewhow loses its value and you remember that you're still here, still breathing and that's what matters ;) *takes cake and eats it all in silence*

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